Mystery solved.

While in Grande Prairie, we heard this bird that sang "Three Blind Mice" all day long. We never saw what it looked like, and everyone we asked didn't seem to know what we were talking about. The girls wished that Grandma and Grandpa were there with their bird book to help us figure it out. We googled "bird that sings three blind mice" and finally figured it out. The bird is a Golden Crowned Sparrow.

I'm not a failure - Just Write #6

My baby brother, the one out on a mission in Florida, got me thinking. In his letter home this week he had some profound thoughts that made me tear up, partly because I am so proud of who he is becoming and partly because they really struck a chord with me. I'm pretty sure he won't mind if I share part of his letter with you (if he does, it's OK, he'll never know, at least not until it's too late).

"Why didn't anyone ever tell me that even if you learn a lesson in seminary or mission Prep that it doesn't really matter, you still need to have the lesson learned. In my youth I learned the Lessons but the lessons were not Learned. Does that make any sense? for example, First Day of Mission Prep Garth explained that We are Nothing, we all suck at missionary work. We have no Ability to do it, but that doesn't matter because the Lord Knows how to do missionary work and will make us able in our inability. This week started out rough. I was in a poor mood and was angry. Half way through the week I cried myself to sleep and was thinking, "why didn't anyone ever tell me how much a mission sucks, how hard it is. am I the Only Missionary who feels this way. Is this how Garth, Jace, etc etc felt?" that night I received a revelation. 'YUP YOU SUCK TYSON! YOU CAN'T DO THIS WORK, YOU ARE INADEQUATE, YOU TRULY ARE USELESS BY YOURSELF. BUT YOU ARE NOT BY YOURSELF, I AM WITH YOU, I AM ON YOUR RIGHT HAND ON YOUR LEFT, I HAVE GONE BEFORE YOU AND I LINGER BEHIND. I WILL TAKE CARE OF IT ALL. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS TRUST ME. DO YOU TRUST ME?" at that moment the answer was no, obviously! that is why I had such selfish thoughts, that is why it was hard, that is why I wanted to sleep in or why I wanted to be disobedient. (I wasn't don't worry. 100% I know the standard) but in the morning the Answer was YES, LEAD ME GUIDE ME WALK BESIDE ME HELP ME FIND THE WAY (you know the rest.) but everything changed that day. I was in a better mood. when I heard the alarm I was excited because I could get to work. I wanted to do more I wanted to do my part."

These past few months I have been feeling pretty inadequate as a mother.

My son, who was once potty trained for a few weeks(remember this Jan 25/13 post), has decided that it's not for him and is back in pullups 100% of the time. After Ella was born he began having accidents once in awhile and it just kept getting worse inspite of everything that I tried to encourage him otherwise. Four months later I finally convinced myself to put him back in pullups full time. I have to keep telling myself that he won't be in them forever. There will be a day, when he once again decides that using the potty is really a better deal. I have really struggled with this. At times I hate myself for giving up, for giving in, for letting him be lazy. But I just can't  fight with him every single time he obviously needs to go potty. And I can't keep up with the laundry, there is only so much peed in and pooped in underpants a mother cares to clean up, not to mention the messes on my floors. So I am officially done, until he decides differently. I hate it. How could I have failed at this so miserably? What could I have done better? What did I do wrong? What did I miss? I just don't know how to fix this. I'm a failure. "YOU ARE INADEQUATE, YOU TRULY ARE USELESS BY YOURSELF. BUT YOU ARE NOT BY YOURSELF, I AM WITH YOU, I AM ON YOUR RIGHT HAND ON YOUR LEFT, I HAVE GONE BEFORE YOU AND I LINGER BEHIND. I WILL TAKE CARE OF IT ALL. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS TRUST ME. DO YOU TRUST ME?"  And here I realise that the answer has been "no". I have spent countless hours on my knees wanting to know how best to deal with this. The answer has come time and time again to just let him be in pullups for now. But I have fought it. I felt like if I did then I would be a failure. It was all about me. Hmmm...just a little bit of pride. I may need to listen to(and really believe) some words that escaped my own lips while talking with a friend the other day "not (insert name here)'s time, but the Lord's time".

It seems that the boy is not the only one struggling with his new role in this family. Everybody seems to be having a hard time adjusting to the arrival of our precious Ella. And that makes me feel like a bad mom. I struggle to find the balance. I don't feel like the fun mom that I used to be. I find myself saying "no" or "not right now" more and more. I don't read to my kids every night like I did before baby's arrival. I wonder sometimes if I am "MOM" enough to be a mom to these five kids.Will they like me in the end? Will they look back and say "man our childhood was fun!"? Do I have it in me? Can I do all that is asked of me?  "YOU ARE INADEQUATE, YOU TRULY ARE USELESS BY YOURSELF. BUT YOU ARE NOT BY YOURSELF, I AM WITH YOU, I AM ON YOUR RIGHT HAND ON YOUR LEFT, I HAVE GONE BEFORE YOU AND I LINGER BEHIND. I WILL TAKE CARE OF IT ALL. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS TRUST ME. DO YOU TRUST ME?" I am trying. I probably need to let go of a little more of that pride. It is OK that I can't do it all on my own. It was never meant to be done single handedly...or even dually with my husband. Accepting this doesn't make me a failure. It is OK to accept the fact that I am a good mom.

This is not a pitty party. Just a realization put to words.


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Linking up with The EQ here.

Five Things I Learned While Camping in Grande Prairie

1. During the longest days of the year, there is no need for flashlights or lanterns of any kind...EVER. It doesn't get dark until midnight, and even then it doesn't ever get completely dark. You can easily maneuver your way to the bathroom in the middle of the night without the aid of a flashlight. The picture to the right was taken at 11pm, and it's just thinking about getting dark.

2. Camping in an unexpected heat wave is HOT. With temperatures well into the mid to high thirties and possibly even reaching forty, and the moisture from all the rain that had fallen the week before, there was always this slightly sticky feeling. Thankfully between sprinklers at a friends house and the Eastlink multiplex pool we were able to keep cool(ish).

3. Although James says he is excited to ride the horses, in actual fact he is afraid they are going to eat him. This became evident when Daniel put him up on the horse and he screamed in fear. When Uncle Gene helped him down off the horse, it swung its head toward James. James yelled out in all sincerity "DON'T EAT ME" It brought a tear to the eye of Uncle Gene's friend who just couldn't stop laughing hysterically.

4. Kymberly's depth perception and hand eye coordination are a million times better than they were before she had her surgery(see my July 8/11 post). While hanging out at our friends parents acreage James found a bat and some balls and was having a great time playing baseball. When he had abandoned it, Kymberly wanted to try. She actually hit the ball far more time than she missed it. I was so thrilled to see such great progress. I know, she's got her eyes closed in this picture, it was just such a great picture I had to include it. You'll just have to trust me that she actually hit the ball.

5. I don't know a lot about my Uncle Gene, he wasn't around a whole lot when I was a kid. Up until 5 years ago(see my Aug 19/08 post to read about our amazing reunion), he was just a guy with a beard that I remembered seeing just a handful of times. I learn little bits each time I get the pleasure of visiting him. This time I learned that Uncle Gene left home at a young age. According to him, everytime he looks at Tansley he sees his little sister, my Aunt Becky.  He says that when he thinks of Becky, he still thinks of her as she was when he left home, not as a grownup, and to him Tansley is a spitting image of that memory.

All in all it was a wonderful trip that I would do again. We spent a lot of time sitting on someones deck eating food, visiting and watching the kids play. It was a very relaxing vacation. I'll leave you with just a few other pictures.

Just Write #5 - My Redneck Son

We were just hanging out outside. James was playing in the wading pool, I was sitting with Ella in the shade. This is what I love about summer. Just sitting, enjoying my yard, watching my kids play. James calls to me, "Mom, a beaver." He calls gophers beavers for some reason, and he had found a dead one on the grass. Why is there a dead one in our yard? Well you can thank our cats for that. Apparently mice and birds are not enough of a challenge so they have moved on to gophers. I found just one last year and one the year before that, that the cats had got. This one is number 3 for the summer...and we are just getting started. I couldn't go clean it up right then because I was holding Ella, so I told him to not touch it and I'd get it later. A little later he comes to me with a wiener roasting stick and says "Mom, I cook a beaver?". Oh boy, I do believe I have a redneck son. What a kid. I decided I'd better set Ella down and clean up the gopher, after all it is garbage day and the garbage truck hadn't been by yet, better get it out with the garbage before they do come, dead gophers can get really stinky. So I go and scoop it up, and find the head of another gopher with just a few guts. Gross. There's #4. Nobody can say that we're not doing our part to control the gopher population in town.

James' Coutts Days Adventure

We had a wonderful day yesterday at the Coutts Days celebration. A great day of pancake eatin', parade watchin', candy catchin', rodeoin' fun! As soon as we got the the Rodeo, he asked if he would wear my cowboy hat. So I gave it to him. As soon as he put it on his head, he asked if he could ride a horse. I told him he couldn't ride a horse but he could ride a sheep. His face lit up and he was super excited about that. So during the intermission we headed out to the rodeo ring to wait his turn for a little mutton busting. I could tell he was getting a little nervous but when it was his turn he got into the chute, but he refused to wear the helmet, he had his heart set on wearing the cowboy hat. I was hoping he would get one of the "walking" sheep instead of one of the "bolting" sheep...but that wasn't the case.

After they got him on and opened the gate, the sheep just bolted and he didn't last long. Oh how he wailed when he hit the ground. Daniel and I were kinda laughing as we told him what a great job he did and he said 'NOT FUNNY! I fell off". But we told him he did awesome anyways, to which he said "NOT AWESOME, I fell off." But he got his medal and he thought that was kinda cool and wore it for the rest of the evening. He may not be doing that again next year, but I bet that he'll do it again when he is older and a little more capable of holding on and balancing. 

I think it is fabulous that all of my kids have given it a try...once. At least they can say that they did. James gave us a bit of another kind of adventure. While we were watching the rodeo he was playing under the grandstand with two older boys(Tansley's age) from our ward. I was sitting nursing Ella, but I could look under the bleachers and see him, but then suddenly he wasn't there anymore. The boys were still there, but no James, so I sent Kathryn to look for him, but she couldn't see him. So I handed her Ella and went to find him, with no luck. There were so many places he could have gone, and so many of them not safe for a 3yr old. I knelt down behind a car and pleaded with my Heavenly father to tell me where to go. I felt like I should have them announce it in case maybe he'd wandered off into the animal pens and someone had scooped him up out of harms way and was looking for me. Tansley and her friends left the rodeo grounds to look for him out at the playground while Daniel and I searched other places. Tansley found him hanging out with some older girls (who were kind keeping an eye on him)at the playground, which was really quite a distance from where we were watching the rodeo. I guess he had had enough and decided to go do something more entertaining. Nearly gave me a heart attack. What a kid.

A Walk with James - Just Write #4

Today is a beautiful day. After days of hardcore rain, I was excited to get out of the house for a walk in this gorgeous weather. So I packed up a lunch and James, Ella and I headed out for a walk at noon-ish.

Everytime we came to a corner I let James tell me which direction we should go. Because I had no destination in mind it didn't matter where we went or how long it would take to get there. Along the way we stopped at watch a plane fly overhead, we found part of a beautiful blue robin's egg, plenty of rocks and dandelions and a few green "caterpillar leafs" (I don't know what makes a leaf a caterpillar leaf, he just picked some leaves from a lilac bush and told me they were caterpillar leafs) and lets not forget splashing in puddles left over from the past few days of rain.
We stopped and had lunch on the lawn of a local business. James decided to be a superhero and save the birds on the street...by scaring them so they would fly away. Thank goodness he was there to save so many birds! When we eventually reached the grocery store we went in and bought a treat. By this time Ella was awake and getting hungry, so I had to tell James that we needed to head home. I was pleasantly surprised when he just accepted it and we walked the direct route home. We arrived home at 2:30pm.  What a wonderful way to spend my afternoon.


View Walking to the grocery store with James in a larger map

Starting from 2 Ave NE
1 Head west on 2 Ave NE toward 3 St NE
2 Turn left onto 2 St NE
    Stop in Alley for much needed potty break for The Boy
3 Turn left onto 1 Ave NE
4 Turn right onto 3 St NE
5 Turn right onto Centre Ave NE/AB-501 W
6 Turn left onto 1 Ave SE/2 St SE
   Stop for lunch
7 Turn right onto 1 St SE
8 Turn right onto Centre Ave NE/AB-501 E
9 Turn right onto 1 Ave SE/2 St SE
10 Turn right onto 1 St SE
11 Turn right onto Centre Ave NE/AB-501 E
12 Turn left onto 2 St NE
13 Turn left onto 1 Ave NE
14 Turn left onto 1 St NE
15 Turn right onto Centre Ave NE/AB-501 W
Arriving at Riverside Market
Total: 2.2 km - about 26 mins  1hr 45 mins

To head home
1 Head East on Centre Ave NE/AB-501 W
2 Turn left onto 4 St NE
Arriving at home
Total: 750m - about 10 mins 30 mins

It still hurts.

The past few weeks have been an ongoing battle. My 8 year old has taken to screaming and yelling. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Fierce, angry screaming at the top of her lungs. Anything can set her off. Today in the midst of all her screaming, she declared "Nobody wants a mom like YOU!" Yeah, I know one day she'll get it. One day when she has kids of her own she'll look back and see that it wasn't all that bad. But my kids have, to this point, never yelled at me with such hate in their voice. It hurt. It made me cry. It brought me to my knees and ask my Father in Heaven "What do I need to do differently?" It made me want to call my mommy and cry and ask her what I should do, but I can't just pick up the phone and call Ireland.

To add to that, I've also been battling the boy, daily, over using the potty. He outright refuses to do it for me. He can spend the weekend with Grandparents and be good as gold. He can spend the day with daddy in Lethbridge and be as good as gold. But when he is at home with me he'll go through 10 pair of underpants in a day, and have a melt down every single time I ask if he needs to go sit on the potty. A few days ago he wanted to sit on my lap, but I needed to feed Ella so I picked him up and let him sit on one side while I fed the baby. This wasn't good enough. He started crying and yelling at me to put Ella down. He then got down off my lap and went to his bedroom. A few minutes later he came out still screaming and crying with his favorite blanket. He came up to me yelled really loud and through his blanket at me and stormed back to his bedroom. It broke my heart that he was so mad at me. Ella was finished eating shortly after, so I put her in her swing and then went to my boy. I gave him a big hug and told him that I still loved him, even when I had to feed Ella, that I will always love him. That he was my Jimbo James. I know, I know. He is having a hard time adjusting to his new role as big brother rather than baby brother. I get it. I just don't know how to fix it.