Broken

About a week ago, my girls were up at the school playing, when they saw this bird that looked to be injured. They were concerned, so they went a little closer, the bird hopped away, with it's wing looking hurt until finally it flew off. That's when they discovered a little nest made out of rocks that had three eggs in it. They were smart and left the nest alone. But they were excited about the possibility of watching them from a distance. They described what the bird look liked, so we did a google search. As soon as they saw a picture of a killdeer they were certain it was it.

Nearly every day they have gone up to see how things are going, but they have got increasingly worried as they haven't seen the moma bird since the first discovery. Yesterday they wanted to bring the eggs home so that they could take care of them. I told them that wouldn't work, for one you just can't take the eggs on the assumption that the moma bird is gone. Secondly we have no way of incubating the eggs and even if we did how would we ever take care of baby birds? I sent them with my camera so they could take a picture of the nest so they would have it as a memory, and assured them that this was nature and nature would take it's course.

They got a little closer than I would have suggested. They took a friend with them yesterday. It was the first time they had shared their special secret, a decision that would prove tragic. When they went to take pictures they had seen some bigger birds lurking in the area. They were concerned that the big birds would get the eggs. Once again I assured them that this was nature and sometimes nature doesn't seem fair. This morning they came home devastated and in tears. The eggs were gone. The big birds must have got them. Oh my poor sweet hearted children. I tried my best to comfort them. To once again talk about the circle of life, the ways of nature. That sometimes that's the way things go. It wasn't much, but that's all I could offer.

Their friend came over again today. They went on a bike ride. When they came back, my girls were very somber. I asked what was the matter. "The big birds didn't get the eggs." They began to cry. "Bradley squished them. I don't know how he found the nest. They didn't die right away, but they didn't make it." This is when their friend speaks up. "I tried to stop him, but he wouldn't listen." she says. And that's when I knew that my poor girls had been betrayed by their friend. She probably didn't mean to, she probably said something like "hey, you want to see something cool?" and then showed off the nest. And well, we now know what happened next. While out on the bike ride, their friend showed my girls what was left of the eggs and told them what had happened. Now I have nothing to console them with. This wasn't just nature taking it's course. This was cruel and heartless and selfish. This is mean and wrong and heartbreaking. It's the sort of thing that shouldn't happen, but sometimes kids think they need to be mean to be cool. Whether that's picking on other kids, or picking on creatures that can't protect themselves, it's all the same. I told my girls, that sometimes special secrets are meant to be kept just between sisters and not shared with those that you can't trust 100%, and this particular friend of theirs, unfortunately, has proven in the past to be one that isn't 100% trustworthy. What a crappy lesson to have to learn.

3yr old Hiding Places

I'm sitting here playing with Ella in the living room. The sound of James grunting slightly wafts in from the kitchen. I turn to look, he has the fridge door open. He is crouched down looking into the fridge.

Mom "James, what are you doing"
James: "Hiding"
M: "In the refrigerator?"
J: "No, not a refrigerator, just a fridge."
M: "Why are you hiding in the fridge? are you pooping?"
J: "Yes"
M: "You are pooping in my refrigerator?"
J: "No, not a refrigerator, just a fridge."
M: "You are pooping in my fridge?"
J: "Yes."
M: "Well, why don't you go hide in the bathroom and poop in there, that is where you are supposed to poop."
J: "OK"

and off he goes, sits on the potty and poops there. Why can't it always be so easy?

Kathryn's Contraption

Kathryn was looking at my summer fun board on Pinterest to get some ideas of something different to do. She got an idea and went to work. This is what she created with a few pop bottles, duct tape and some shish kabob skewers

a simplified version of the pin that inspired her

Yep, she's a creative kid.

Mystery solved.

While in Grande Prairie, we heard this bird that sang "Three Blind Mice" all day long. We never saw what it looked like, and everyone we asked didn't seem to know what we were talking about. The girls wished that Grandma and Grandpa were there with their bird book to help us figure it out. We googled "bird that sings three blind mice" and finally figured it out. The bird is a Golden Crowned Sparrow.

I'm not a failure - Just Write #6

My baby brother, the one out on a mission in Florida, got me thinking. In his letter home this week he had some profound thoughts that made me tear up, partly because I am so proud of who he is becoming and partly because they really struck a chord with me. I'm pretty sure he won't mind if I share part of his letter with you (if he does, it's OK, he'll never know, at least not until it's too late).

"Why didn't anyone ever tell me that even if you learn a lesson in seminary or mission Prep that it doesn't really matter, you still need to have the lesson learned. In my youth I learned the Lessons but the lessons were not Learned. Does that make any sense? for example, First Day of Mission Prep Garth explained that We are Nothing, we all suck at missionary work. We have no Ability to do it, but that doesn't matter because the Lord Knows how to do missionary work and will make us able in our inability. This week started out rough. I was in a poor mood and was angry. Half way through the week I cried myself to sleep and was thinking, "why didn't anyone ever tell me how much a mission sucks, how hard it is. am I the Only Missionary who feels this way. Is this how Garth, Jace, etc etc felt?" that night I received a revelation. 'YUP YOU SUCK TYSON! YOU CAN'T DO THIS WORK, YOU ARE INADEQUATE, YOU TRULY ARE USELESS BY YOURSELF. BUT YOU ARE NOT BY YOURSELF, I AM WITH YOU, I AM ON YOUR RIGHT HAND ON YOUR LEFT, I HAVE GONE BEFORE YOU AND I LINGER BEHIND. I WILL TAKE CARE OF IT ALL. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS TRUST ME. DO YOU TRUST ME?" at that moment the answer was no, obviously! that is why I had such selfish thoughts, that is why it was hard, that is why I wanted to sleep in or why I wanted to be disobedient. (I wasn't don't worry. 100% I know the standard) but in the morning the Answer was YES, LEAD ME GUIDE ME WALK BESIDE ME HELP ME FIND THE WAY (you know the rest.) but everything changed that day. I was in a better mood. when I heard the alarm I was excited because I could get to work. I wanted to do more I wanted to do my part."

These past few months I have been feeling pretty inadequate as a mother.

My son, who was once potty trained for a few weeks(remember this Jan 25/13 post), has decided that it's not for him and is back in pullups 100% of the time. After Ella was born he began having accidents once in awhile and it just kept getting worse inspite of everything that I tried to encourage him otherwise. Four months later I finally convinced myself to put him back in pullups full time. I have to keep telling myself that he won't be in them forever. There will be a day, when he once again decides that using the potty is really a better deal. I have really struggled with this. At times I hate myself for giving up, for giving in, for letting him be lazy. But I just can't  fight with him every single time he obviously needs to go potty. And I can't keep up with the laundry, there is only so much peed in and pooped in underpants a mother cares to clean up, not to mention the messes on my floors. So I am officially done, until he decides differently. I hate it. How could I have failed at this so miserably? What could I have done better? What did I do wrong? What did I miss? I just don't know how to fix this. I'm a failure. "YOU ARE INADEQUATE, YOU TRULY ARE USELESS BY YOURSELF. BUT YOU ARE NOT BY YOURSELF, I AM WITH YOU, I AM ON YOUR RIGHT HAND ON YOUR LEFT, I HAVE GONE BEFORE YOU AND I LINGER BEHIND. I WILL TAKE CARE OF IT ALL. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS TRUST ME. DO YOU TRUST ME?"  And here I realise that the answer has been "no". I have spent countless hours on my knees wanting to know how best to deal with this. The answer has come time and time again to just let him be in pullups for now. But I have fought it. I felt like if I did then I would be a failure. It was all about me. Hmmm...just a little bit of pride. I may need to listen to(and really believe) some words that escaped my own lips while talking with a friend the other day "not (insert name here)'s time, but the Lord's time".

It seems that the boy is not the only one struggling with his new role in this family. Everybody seems to be having a hard time adjusting to the arrival of our precious Ella. And that makes me feel like a bad mom. I struggle to find the balance. I don't feel like the fun mom that I used to be. I find myself saying "no" or "not right now" more and more. I don't read to my kids every night like I did before baby's arrival. I wonder sometimes if I am "MOM" enough to be a mom to these five kids.Will they like me in the end? Will they look back and say "man our childhood was fun!"? Do I have it in me? Can I do all that is asked of me?  "YOU ARE INADEQUATE, YOU TRULY ARE USELESS BY YOURSELF. BUT YOU ARE NOT BY YOURSELF, I AM WITH YOU, I AM ON YOUR RIGHT HAND ON YOUR LEFT, I HAVE GONE BEFORE YOU AND I LINGER BEHIND. I WILL TAKE CARE OF IT ALL. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS TRUST ME. DO YOU TRUST ME?" I am trying. I probably need to let go of a little more of that pride. It is OK that I can't do it all on my own. It was never meant to be done single handedly...or even dually with my husband. Accepting this doesn't make me a failure. It is OK to accept the fact that I am a good mom.

This is not a pitty party. Just a realization put to words.


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Linking up with The EQ here.

Five Things I Learned While Camping in Grande Prairie

1. During the longest days of the year, there is no need for flashlights or lanterns of any kind...EVER. It doesn't get dark until midnight, and even then it doesn't ever get completely dark. You can easily maneuver your way to the bathroom in the middle of the night without the aid of a flashlight. The picture to the right was taken at 11pm, and it's just thinking about getting dark.

2. Camping in an unexpected heat wave is HOT. With temperatures well into the mid to high thirties and possibly even reaching forty, and the moisture from all the rain that had fallen the week before, there was always this slightly sticky feeling. Thankfully between sprinklers at a friends house and the Eastlink multiplex pool we were able to keep cool(ish).

3. Although James says he is excited to ride the horses, in actual fact he is afraid they are going to eat him. This became evident when Daniel put him up on the horse and he screamed in fear. When Uncle Gene helped him down off the horse, it swung its head toward James. James yelled out in all sincerity "DON'T EAT ME" It brought a tear to the eye of Uncle Gene's friend who just couldn't stop laughing hysterically.

4. Kymberly's depth perception and hand eye coordination are a million times better than they were before she had her surgery(see my July 8/11 post). While hanging out at our friends parents acreage James found a bat and some balls and was having a great time playing baseball. When he had abandoned it, Kymberly wanted to try. She actually hit the ball far more time than she missed it. I was so thrilled to see such great progress. I know, she's got her eyes closed in this picture, it was just such a great picture I had to include it. You'll just have to trust me that she actually hit the ball.

5. I don't know a lot about my Uncle Gene, he wasn't around a whole lot when I was a kid. Up until 5 years ago(see my Aug 19/08 post to read about our amazing reunion), he was just a guy with a beard that I remembered seeing just a handful of times. I learn little bits each time I get the pleasure of visiting him. This time I learned that Uncle Gene left home at a young age. According to him, everytime he looks at Tansley he sees his little sister, my Aunt Becky.  He says that when he thinks of Becky, he still thinks of her as she was when he left home, not as a grownup, and to him Tansley is a spitting image of that memory.

All in all it was a wonderful trip that I would do again. We spent a lot of time sitting on someones deck eating food, visiting and watching the kids play. It was a very relaxing vacation. I'll leave you with just a few other pictures.