I woke up this morning, without provocation, at 7:30am. The sun was shining through the clouds and the birds were singing sweetly. There was a scent in the air that let you know it was thinking about raining. All three girls were still sleeping, which I was glad for. We had arrived home late the night before from our two day stay in Lethbridge. The girls were all played out and exhausted. It was quiet and peaceful....it was a bit of Heaven. I got up and did a few things and had a shower, because how can you resist the peacefulness of such a beautiful spring morning. By 8:00am the girls were awake, I fed them breakfast and then put them in the tub, Daniel took over the bathing supervision while I finished feeding Kymberly, and then he bathed her too. I helped Tansley pick out her Sunday clothes and get them on, and then helped Kathryn. She was excited to where a "new" dress that Aunt Chrystal had given to us. I got it out of the closet and helped her do up the buttons. then she just stood there and pouted. "What" I asked, she said nothing. "Is something the matter?", still nothing. "OK, well, I can't just sit here and watch you pout, I need to go get Kymberly dressed and finish getting myself ready, when you are ready to tell me whats wrong you can come find me, for now brush your hair." So I went up stairs to dress Kymberly. And then I hear it, Kathryn is wailing. What in the world is going on? She's wearing the dress that she wanted to wear, what is the matter? I ignore it, if I give her attention it only gets worse. I get dressed and do my makeup, Kathryn is still crying down stairs. Dad tells her to get her shoes on and go to the van, she comes upstairs, without her hair brushed and still crying. I try to be patient and kind, "Kathryn, what is wrong?", still nothing. "Are you hurt? Are you sick? Is something wrong with the dress? Why are you sad?", still, she wont say a word. "Fine, brush your hair and go to the van please." In the mean time Tansley has gone out to the van but can't open the side door because it is locked and she is screaming and crying that she can't open the door. Daniel goes out and helps her out, but she is so upset that she wont stop screaming. Kathryn gets in the van still crying, Kymberly is sitting in her seat wondering what all the fuss is about.
By the time we get to church everyone has calmed down, that ten minute highway drive sometimes can be a fabulous thing. We go and sit down, Daniel goes to the organ to play the prelude music. Kathryn pouts on the pew. Kymberly refuses to let me put her down. Tansley happily sits with her "friend" in the pew in front of us. By the time the sacrament song is being sung, Kathryn is scratching and wiggling all over and whining in a not so quiet voice, "I'm itching, I hate being itchy" repeatedly. I keep telling her to be quiet, and she says "but I'm itchy". She continues this behavior the entire time the sacrament is being passed. I'd take her out, but I don't have anybody to pawn Kymberly off on with out her screaming, because Daniel is still sitting up on the stand. So I wait and try again and again to be quiet. When the sacrament has been passed, Daniel comes and sits with Kathryn and tries to cuddle with her. It seemed to be working, until Kymberly started fussing, she is tired after all, nap time is at 10:00am, church starts and 10:00am...but will she sleep anywhere but in a bed? nope, not unless its dad that is trying to put her to sleep. So Daniel takes Kymberly out to try to get her to go to sleep.
Tansley is laying down with her head on my lap, she's tired, it was a long weekend. Kathryn comes over and tries to sit infront of Tansley and cuddle up to me too, but Tansley doesn't like that and pushes at Kathryn which starts Kathryn crying again. So I leave Tansley in the capable hands of her "friend", and I take Kathryn out. Again, I ask her what is wrong, again she will not say anything. I'm frustrated, annoyed, angry and mad. She says she wants me to give her a hug, but at that moment I don't feel like giving her a hug....bad mom, I know. She cries even louder, I take her into a class room so that she isn't disturbing the whole congregation. After I had cooled down a bit, I softened myself and gave her a hug and then we went back into the chapel because it was almost time for the closing song and Daniel would have to give Kymberly to somebody, I had better be that somebody to avoid more screaming and crying.
During the closing song I think to myself "I can't wait to go to Sunday School and Relief Society to be uplifted and enriched and spiritually fed, because I sure didn't get that out of Fast and Testimony meeting." As I am walking out of the chapel to take my kids to blessed Primary, a sister stops me and asks if I will teach nursery because the nursery leader is sick and asked if she would do it, but her kids are just not doing well today and she needs to be with them so could I do it for her. In my mind I am saying no, but I smile a fake smile and say "sure". I want to cry. I drop Kathryn off at her class, as I walk away I hear her crying again. I ignore her, if I give her attention it only makes it worse. I head to the nursery room with Tansley, at least she has been pleasant since arriving at church. A friend of mine, who has daughters that same age as mine (and who had also been in the hall with crying children today) asked how I was doing, I teared up and said that I was just asked to teach the nursery. She said "you said no right?", "No, why would I do that?" I say half laughing half crying, that would be like saying that I wasn't strong enough to do it, that I couldn't handle everything. She asked if I wanted her to stay with me, this time I spoke what was in my mind and not what was on the tip of my tongue "yes, please!" So Nursery ended up to be not so bad, but I still missed the spiritual uplift that I was longing for.
Why do I do it to myself? I could have said no, there are others that could have taken over. I suppose it goes along with why I don't usually ask others to do things for me. I could be 5 months pregnant, sick with a nasty flew and trying to get my apartment cleaned so that we can move out in 5 days, and my husband will say before heading out to work, "phone someone to come help you today" and I say "OK, I will", but I don't, I just do it myself, and then that night a sister in the ward calls because she is in a real bind and doesn't have anyone to watch her 5 kids the next day while she works and is wondering if I could watch them, she realizes that I am trying to move, but she is really stuck. I say yes, of course. So I take my not so well self and my 2 year old over to her place at 6am the next day and watch her kids, all the time thinking about all the things that I still need to get done to move. Why do I do it?....I don't want to talk about it...it might make me look weak.