My baby brother, the one out on a mission in Florida, got me thinking. In his letter home this week he had some profound thoughts that made me tear up, partly because I am so proud of who he is becoming and partly because they really struck a chord with me. I'm pretty sure he won't mind if I share part of his letter with you (if he does, it's OK, he'll never know, at least not until it's too late).
"Why didn't anyone ever tell me that even if you learn a lesson in seminary or mission Prep that it doesn't really matter, you still need to have the lesson learned. In my youth I learned the Lessons but the lessons were not Learned. Does that make any sense? for example, First Day of Mission Prep Garth explained that We are Nothing, we all suck at missionary work. We have no Ability to do it, but that doesn't matter because the Lord Knows how to do missionary work and will make us able in our inability. This week started out rough. I was in a poor mood and was angry. Half way through the week I cried myself to sleep and was thinking, "why didn't anyone ever tell me how much a mission sucks, how hard it is. am I the Only Missionary who feels this way. Is this how Garth, Jace, etc etc felt?" that night I received a revelation. 'YUP YOU SUCK TYSON! YOU CAN'T DO THIS WORK, YOU ARE INADEQUATE, YOU TRULY ARE USELESS BY YOURSELF. BUT YOU ARE NOT BY YOURSELF, I AM WITH YOU, I AM ON YOUR RIGHT HAND ON YOUR LEFT, I HAVE GONE BEFORE YOU AND I LINGER BEHIND. I WILL TAKE CARE OF IT ALL. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS TRUST ME. DO YOU TRUST ME?" at that moment the answer was no, obviously! that is why I had such selfish thoughts, that is why it was hard, that is why I wanted to sleep in or why I wanted to be disobedient. (I wasn't don't worry. 100% I know the standard) but in the morning the Answer was YES, LEAD ME GUIDE ME WALK BESIDE ME HELP ME FIND THE WAY (you know the rest.) but everything changed that day. I was in a better mood. when I heard the alarm I was excited because I could get to work. I wanted to do more I wanted to do my part."
These past few months I have been feeling pretty inadequate as a mother.
My son, who was once potty trained for a few weeks(remember this Jan 25/13 post), has decided that it's not for him and is back in pullups 100% of the time. After Ella was born he began having accidents once in awhile and it just kept getting worse inspite of everything that I tried to encourage him otherwise. Four months later I finally convinced myself to put him back in pullups full time. I have to keep telling myself that he won't be in them forever. There will be a day, when he once again decides that using the potty is really a better deal. I have really struggled with this. At times I hate myself for giving up, for giving in, for letting him be lazy. But I just can't fight with him every single time he obviously needs to go potty. And I can't keep up with the laundry, there is only so much peed in and pooped in underpants a mother cares to clean up, not to mention the messes on my floors. So I am officially done, until he decides differently. I hate it. How could I have failed at this so miserably? What could I have done better? What did I do wrong? What did I miss? I just don't know how to fix this. I'm a failure. "YOU ARE INADEQUATE, YOU TRULY ARE USELESS BY YOURSELF. BUT YOU ARE NOT BY YOURSELF, I AM WITH YOU, I AM ON YOUR RIGHT HAND ON YOUR LEFT, I HAVE GONE BEFORE YOU AND I LINGER BEHIND. I WILL TAKE CARE OF IT ALL. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS TRUST ME. DO YOU TRUST ME?" And here I realise that the answer has been "no". I have spent countless hours on my knees wanting to know how best to deal with this. The answer has come time and time again to just let him be in pullups for now. But I have fought it. I felt like if I did then I would be a failure. It was all about me. Hmmm...just a little bit of pride. I may need to listen to(and really believe) some words that escaped my own lips while talking with a friend the other day "not (insert name here)'s time, but the Lord's time".
It seems that the boy is not the only one struggling with his new role in this family. Everybody seems to be having a hard time adjusting to the arrival of our precious Ella. And that makes me feel like a bad mom. I struggle to find the balance. I don't feel like the fun mom that I used to be. I find myself saying "no" or "not right now" more and more. I don't read to my kids every night like I did before baby's arrival. I wonder sometimes if I am "MOM" enough to be a mom to these five kids.Will they like me in the end? Will they look back and say "man our childhood was fun!"? Do I have it in me? Can I do all that is asked of me? "YOU ARE INADEQUATE, YOU TRULY ARE USELESS BY YOURSELF. BUT YOU ARE NOT BY YOURSELF, I AM WITH YOU, I AM ON YOUR RIGHT HAND ON YOUR LEFT, I HAVE GONE BEFORE YOU AND I LINGER BEHIND. I WILL TAKE CARE OF IT ALL. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS TRUST ME. DO YOU TRUST ME?" I am trying. I probably need to let go of a little more of that pride. It is OK that I can't do it all on my own. It was never meant to be done single handedly...or even dually with my husband. Accepting this doesn't make me a failure. It is OK to accept the fact that I am a good mom.
This is not a pitty party. Just a realization put to words.
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Linking up with The EQ here.
really appreciate this (ironically, writing some similar thoughts on it yesterday). all we can do is offer up our incompetence and wait for Him to show up. Thanks for being willing to join in the offering. :) (visiting for "just write" at the EO)
ReplyDelete"Grace isn't the light at the end of the tunnel, it is the light that moves us through the tunnel" Have you read this: http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=viewitem&id=1966
ReplyDelete(By the way, Jaidon was four. FOUR. I thought he'd wear diapers to kindergarten.)
Hahaha- Mandy you are so 'normal.' I love how your share these things. When I had a son that did this very thing the doctor told me not to worry that the male urinary tract is not fully mature until after 5 or 6 (what?!!) or some awful age I found unacceptable, and that it is a miracle if any boy is trained before then. He said boys just function differently. They can be completely trained and 'know' how to be clean and dry and physically they may not be able to DO it. He said as a parent to just teach the child coping skills of how and when and where, of being prepared and acting to prevent. Take courage Mandy, all my adult sons have learned to 'prepare and prevent' and are clean and dry (I think,LOL!) and so are all your brothers-TMI-do not share if they are not. And BTW your children will hate you,until they are 40 or 50 years old (we hope so young). Love Aunt Linda
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you've probably read this already, but just in case you need a reminder, you should check out the following, I've needed to remember it a few times this week already:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.daringyoungmom.com/2012/12/19/drops-of-awesome/
Love you!
Cyn